I've officially been in Barcelona for a week. This has been the most confusing, upsetting, exciting week I've had in a long time. I thought I would just sit back before the first day of classes and write a text-only post to talk more about how I'm feeling, rather than just dumping a bunch of pictures. There'll be plenty of more chances for that, trust me.
When I created this blog, I was really excited to share all my pictures and experiences with everyone, or at least, anyone who cared enough to check up on it. But now that I've been here for a little while, I realize that I need to step back sometimes and just live in the moment, instead of worrying if I took good enough pictures for the day, or feeling guilt if I don't update in a while. In the end, it doesn't even matter, and I have to remind myself of that. I only show people what I want them to see. I think everyone understands "the Facebook effect", or the idea that your Facebook profile is more of your highlight reel, and probably 95% of your FB friends don't get to see the behind the scenes. They never see the emotional ups and downs that you might go through (unless you're one of those people who posts about every single thing that happens to you). I've definitely been experiencing a roller coaster of emotions, and as silly as it sounds, I've been feeling an imbalance between how great my life seems through social media and how hard it's actually been. I feel like I have to keep up the image, even though that's not the case at all. When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I have to do something awesome so that I can post about it later, rather than purely for the enjoyment of it.
The truth is, studying abroad is not 100% amazing all the time. I've only been here 7 days, but I can already attest that it is not always rainbows and butterflies. It's very hard to adjust to living in a new country on your own, thousands of miles away from your family and friends. Or at least, it has been for me. There have been times where I've been very homesick and I just want to be back in my bed at home and eating my mom's cooking. I feel confused and lost when I'm walking around in the city and I don't understand what anyone is saying to me. Almost every food I've had while eating out has been a brand new experience. When I'm surrounded by new people, I tend to become way more shy and introverted, because I want to make a good impression on everyone, so I don't speak my mind as much or joke around like I usually do. And as a result of that, a lot of my feelings just build up inside me until I end up crying on the phone to Daniel or something. This is where I feel more conflicting emotions. I'm incredibly lucky that my parents made this experience possible for me, but when I don't feel 100% awesome and excited, I feel ungrateful, and like all my parents' money is going to waste. Why do I feel this way? I think I'm too hard on myself, and I need to just let myself feel the emotions that I feel. Part of why I have such a hard time is because I feel negative things, and then I beat myself up for feeling that way, like I'm not allowed to or something. But that's not fair to me, because I'm only human. Now I sound like a Kelly Clarkson song or something.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you see a social media post about someone experiencing something awesome and amazing, don't assume that person's life is going completely smoothly, because chances are, it's not. Deep down, I know that I'll get more situated and used to my environment and I'll end up making more friends and enjoying my semester more, but it's getting there that's proving itself to be a little difficult. It's like that quote that I had a poster of in my dorm room my sophomore year: Bloom where you're planted. Okay, that was extremely cheesy, but it's true.
It's 2:25 AM here, and I have my first day of class tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. If you've read down this far, I'm seriously impressed, and I apologize for boring you to death. Also, thanks for reading it, and I hope you got even a little something out of it.